Navigating Expat Life: Building Community as New Parents

Dear Sam,

You probably have wondered if we (Dani and Claudia) have maintained our friendship over the years—over seven years of writing this blog with many different adventures along the way—and the answer is yes! In fact, while our friendship may have gone in waves, now we find ourselves closer than ever as we navigate new motherhood, even while living in different countries. It’s likely because we both believe that families thrive with community support, something that can be hard to attain when living abroad. As such, we’ve each found ourselves building our own communities from scratch during this new life chapter.

Let’s take a couple of steps back. Back in 2022, Dani and her husband moved to a small town near Málaga. Although the move had been long anticipated, the transition was harder than expected, requiring intentional effort to make new friends.

And, in June of 2023 Claudia moved to the Finnish countryside with her partner and, although she has written about making friends in Finland (and has been quite successful with this endeavor), at the time she was so nauseous and exhausted from being pregnant that she didn’t exactly get around to meeting anyone in her new town. It didn’t really matter at that time because she didn’t really want to do social things or spend time with people she didn’t know but that soon changed.

By the end of 2024, both of us had welcomed little ones and were ready to expand our communities. While we’ve experienced the ups and downs building a community as expats before, having a child changed everything. Before, we may have longed for more community but also felt quite fulfilled by the connection with our partners and could happily dive into exploring and growing together alone. The arrival of our babies was the catalyst we needed to push towards this goal of expanding outward.

Today, we’ll discuss the impact of communities on immigrant and expat families and share some strategies we’ve used over the past year(+) to build our own.

Disclaimer: Building communities is relevant for people at all stages of their abroad journey and we hope that this post can bring you value no matter where you find yourself. We’re simply approaching this topic from our current perspective as new parents.

 

Communities are not equal to friendships

This might seem like a bold statement, especially considering how much we have written about making friends. However, we believe it takes more than having friends in a new place to feel sufficiently integrated. Having friends in a new place is valuable, but community encompasses more than just friendships. Community is about feeling a sense of belonging and support from those around you, including neighbors and local merchants, like the seller at your local frutería or the waiter at your local café.

We believe that having a community where you live is important because it helps you feel safe. This can be in a physical sense, like for the American girl living in a relatively unsafe Brazilian favela who once told Claudia that she was just as safe there as not because of the community she had. Or it can be a psychological sense of feeling safe where you are. When you know who and what is around you, you are not questioning every move you make and are generally more comfortable. This allows you to use less emotional energy to navigate everyday situations, something that is invaluable as an exhausted new parent.

Building community isn’t always easy 

That said, despite the actual physical safety and the perceived psychological safety of living in a community full of people you know and trust, it isn’t easy. As you try to get to know the people around you, you’ll quickly learn that integrating into existing social circles can be challenging. Generally, the people who are already settled are not as open to letting newbies into their circle as are others like you who are also finding their footing in a new place.

The good thing is that there is no one way to build a community around you and the real marker of success is how you feel—do you feel both physically safe in your surroundings and psychologically safe when you interact with people? If so, you may be well on your way to having an established community around you. To give you some hints about what this has looked like for us over the past year or so, let us share some of our stories:

 

Claudia’s Story

Talking to neighbors

One of the best ways I have started to create relationships and build my community is by communicating more and more with my neighbors. In Helsinki, this probably wouldn’t be so common as everyone is busy in the big city but in the countryside where I now live, everyone has time to at least say hi. This is fun not only because it has led to some wonderful friendships but also because it gives a sense of belonging and safety in the area around my home.

In addition, some of the relationships we are making with the people around us are not necessarily friendships in the traditional sense but bring us closer to different types of people in a new way. For example, our elderly neighbors are not people we have over for brunch or invite to go trekking with us but they do always stop and say hi. For me, that means a quick Finnish practice as they exclaim how cute my little one is and want to know how life is. These neighbors are also the people we ask to watch our house and water our plants when we are away. This gives us a sense of security and also allows them to feel a great sense of purpose at the same time—not a friendship per se but a beautiful relationship.

 

The perhekahvila or the family café

In Finland there is an organization called MLL that organizes events all over the country to bring families together. In the town next to ours we have a small café that is not really a café but a living room space that they open once a week for families to visit. They do provide coffee and a treat or two but the real value is being able to meet other mothers (or fathers but I have mostly met mothers) who are staying home with their children.

Because I live in rural Finland and there simply are not that many people, I have not met tons of people this way. I have, however, met some people this way and I am very grateful for the opportunities it has offered me because I would have never met the handful of mothers and kids as easily otherwise. Not to mention that it allows my little one the opportunity to interact with other kids, most of whom are older than him and that can inspire him in some way.

 

Baby exercise class 

I recently signed up for a mommy and me exercise class. It is also held locally by a woman who is happy to try speaking some English for me and we manage along in a mix of Finnish and English. I am only a couple weeks in and I don’t know if this class will lead to any lasting relationships but it is fun because all the mothers and kids are new to me, so I have the possibility at least to expand my community and the people I am familiar with around town. Not to mention that it gives me another chance to practice some Finnish skills.

In addition, while I would love to sign up for some sports, either in a local gym or by joining the local soccer team, that hasn’t aligned for me yet. So I am very grateful to be able to do something sport-like (mostly including baby-weight exercises that grow with the baby) and gain some fitness at the same time I am being somewhat social.

 

Local restaurants and cafés

I must confess that we haven’t been going out a lot and interacting with people at local restaurants and cafés but we sometimes do and it is a good way to interact with locals. For example, we recently went to Austria to celebrate a friend’s wedding and being home away we branched out a bit and went to the same place for breakfast every morning. The staff soon got to know us and it was very fun to see their faces every day. So I highly recommend this kind of thing if it feels appealing to you.

 

Making friends

What does this all mean for making friends in my case? Well, I have met one person I would definitely call a friend from walking around the block—this neighbor is great in so many ways and I am very grateful to have met her and her family. Their little one is over a year older than ours but they are already playing together in the ways that they can and it is very cute to see them if they hold hands or “talk” together.

In addition, I have met two moms at the local family café who I would say are on the way to being good friends. We try to meet once a week or so outside of the café now for our little ones to play in the park. Their kids are also older than ours but it is still fun to see the interactions. Not to mention it gives us moms a great chance to meet up, discuss things that are relevant in our lives, and make difficult days seem a little bit easier.

Finally, I have met a couple of moms that are contacts but not yet close. This is all okay though because it helps me feel like I have a community and if I have a need (such as a dress for a wedding that is also nursing appropriate), I have people I can reach out to. Not to mention each person can all help me with my own integration into this small town in their own way.

Which brings me to a big point on my journey of making friends at this point in my life—not all the people you meet are going to be friends and, at some moments, you might feel like you don’t have any friends at all outside your family. Because I have a community in the town I live in this feels lighter than it might have felt in the past. I still feel lucky to live with my best friend, talk with other friends and family regularly, and know that I am doing something to make this place my home.

 

When having community doesn’t go right

As a disclaimer to what might sound like a beautiful scenario where I am just over here living my best life, I have to say that it doesn’t always go according to plan. As we built our community and started to understand this small town, we started to feel very safe. This led us to leaving our doors unlocked most of the time… until one day during nap time a random old guy walked into our house. He was calling out about selling something and I am pretty sure he is harmless (one of the moms above confirmed he has done this before around town) but it still felt like a huge invasion of privacy and like I wasn’t safe in my own home. Since then we lock our doors and take different precautions.

Still, a good thing about knowing our neighbors and feeling like you have a community around you, we were able to talk with people in the neighborhood about it. One neighbor said he’d keep an eye on things, another told her opinion about it, and everyone made us feel like we were not alone. So, a reminder to be a bit more careful and a reminder that we are not in it alone.

Dani’s Story

Other expat families

The one way I made an effort to start forming a community before my little one’s arrival was with other expat families. Earlier on in my abroad experience, I made a big effort to immerse myself in the “Spanishness” of Spain, seeking out mainly Spanish friends or at least other foreigners who were also serious about speaking Spanish and integrating into the local culture. The longer I lived abroad, the more I felt I already had that and that what I actually needed were the comforts of my native language and culture. I had a lot of mixed feelings about this shift and what it said about me, but I’ve gotten better at accepting my journey and the reality that, at certain stages, my life here has been lived in English.

With that acceptance in mind, I decided to make a profile on Peanut, an app for moms and expectant moms to connect, where I found the majority of active members were other foreigners. In the months leading up to my baby’s birth, I connected with four women who I would end up forming a community with. All were native English-speakers who had/were having babies within eight months of me.

Although we mostly didn’t see each other between August 2023 and February 2024 when our babies were very small, forging these in-person connections with other new parents has been invaluable! Throughout 2024, we’ve had regular get-togethers as families, watching the little ones develop alongside each other. It warms my heart the way my little one truly recognizes and feels comfortable with these people, reaching out for them as you would expect with a trusted family member.

I particularly appreciate that our similar cultures and life stage means that we hang out at each other’s homes more often than in public places. Prior to having a baby, this is something I felt I lacked in my friendships and developing this familiarity is what has made these growing friendships really feel like a community to me.

 

Embracing support systems 

Having a baby has challenged me to better accept help and embrace available support systems. Through a meet-up of the Mums of Málaga group, I met another mom, Javiera, who is also a lactation consultant. This turned out to be a godsend when I was struggling with breastfeeding a month later but also an opportunity to grow my Spanish-speaking community.

After doing multiple consultations and attending a postpartum yoga event that Javiera led, she included me when she put together her own moms group on WhatsApp. Unlike the original mums group, which now meets in Málaga Centro, this group often gets together at a park very near to where I live, allowing me to easily join in without having to coordinate transportation with my husband. I’m so grateful for this growing community because it has allowed me to balance my desire for integration with the Spanish-speaking community and friendships with those sharing similar experiences.

 

Talking to neighbors

I’ll be honest, when my husband and I moved to the family-friendly neighborhood we chose at the start of 2022, we had lofty visions of forming friendships with our neighbors, something that didn’t exactly happen organically. (As we point out in many articles, these sort of connections generally require you, as the outsider, to make the effort and I will admit we didn’t go above and beyond in this pursuit.)

However, having a baby has provided a natural conversation starter. While we certainly haven’t reached a level of friendship (or even a relationship of the degree Claudia speaks of), we are at least beginning to feel familiarity with our closest neighbors.  We will now stop to chat with the man across the street, swapping updates on our little one’s development and his home improvement projects. We’ve also started exchanging waves and updates with a Canadian family a few doors down, and have even taken up our next-door neighbor’s offer to accept packages for us when we’re not home.

In a sense, these are very small things, but they are things that weren’t happening until this big shift in our lives and so it feels like an important step towards feeling more established and known here on our street.

 

Our Local Cafés

Recently, I’ve started taking my little one out for breakfast, which has helped solidify my sense of community with local café staff. At first, I was nervous. Eating out with a baby who is learning how to eat can be nerve wracking to begin with and so I envisioned it being even harder when alone.

However, I’ve found that it’s actually easier for me because I’m not engaged in other conversations and can give full attention to my little one. Also, without other adults at my table, I find that waiters and other patrons are more likely to chat with me. As you can imagine, a cute baby eating a tostada is always a conversation starter!

Sharing this aspect of the Mediterranean lifestyle with my little one is something I’ve always looked forward to and it’s become something I really enjoy doing. We’ll typically go out for breakfast once or twice a week, which allows us to frequent the same cafés and slowly develop our sense of community.

 

Sometimes the New Community Isn’t Enough

Despite building a new community, this new life chapter has also reminded me of the irreplaceable comfort of lifelong friendships. When my little one was about six months old, I had the first of my childhood friends come to visit. Her flight was delayed by a couple of hours, our feeding and nap schedule got thrown off, and I was overwhelmed when we brought her back from the airport.

With most people, I would have put on a brave face and attempted to be a “good host” in spite of how I was feeling. With this lifelong friend, however, I unapologetically took her up on the offer to make dinner for us. Within ten minutes of entering our home, she was catering to us, and I didn’t feel bad about it. The comfort and relief that comes from the support of someone you’ve known forever is not easily replicated.

With friends and family from back home, I can fully lean on them in a way that I don’t feel I can lean on anyone in my new community in Spain–yet. It’s not because the people I’ve met here are any less great, it’s simply that relationships like that take a long time to build and I’ve only begun forming this new community in the last year or two.

I’m very happy to live in Spain and to be bringing up our little one in the environment that we always imagined, but I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t admit that it has been extremely hard to do this first year without any family or close friends in the same country. I share this not to contradict everything I’ve shared above but simply to acknowledge that, even if you do all the ‘right things’ and/or try all of these same tactics that Claudia and I have used, you may still not feel supported enough. I definitely have my moments when I don’t.

Building a truly supportive community takes time, and it’s okay to acknowledge that your new connections aren’t yet sufficient. I know that this doesn’t mean I have failed, I am simply still at the beginning of cultivating the sense of community that I desire.

What about you? Do you have friends where you are abroad? What about community?

Sincerely,
Spain