Confessions: I’m No Longer Seeking Balance

Dear Catriona,

If you somehow missed it, Claudia and I have been quieter here on the blog over the last two years. We’ve each been managing our own transitions into motherhood and adjusting to life as families abroad in Spain and in Finland. Personally, I never imagined I’d still be “playing the postpartum card” over two years later, but this life change has rocked me and shifted my identity in ways I never could have anticipated.

In many ways, I still feel I’m on the journey of adaptation and discovering who I am as a mother, woman, and human in this season of life. It has taken a lot of time, introspection, therapy, and empathy from loved ones, but I do feel I’m “coming out on the other side” of things with more clarity and understanding of myself. One thing that has been equal parts unsettling and liberating is realizing that some of the ways I used to think and motivate myself simply do not work for me anymore.

 

Most notable is my discomfort with the term ‘balance’

This is a concept that has previously been a guiding light for me; it has been my “word of the year” in the past; it is even one of the tags that Claudia and I use here on the blog to categorize our posts.

But it simply no longer resonates.

At first, letting go of the intention to constantly strive for balance felt like abdicating something essential to who I am. Was I selling out on the person I’ve spent so much time and energy to intentionally become? Was I admitting defeat, unable to maintain the standards I’ve always held for myself? Was I giving up on a core value?

With time, I’ve come to realize that none of that is the case. In fact, I would argue that I still very much hold the value of ‘balance.’ It’s the word itself that rubs me the wrong way. ‘Balance,’ at least for me, implies a steadiness. A (mythical) equilibrium in which all things are in equal proportion, nothing prioritized over the other.

And that is not realistic or helpful for me to strive for.

When I think about ‘balance,’ I recall this moment I had on a yoga & nature retreat. We were out in the mountains doing a ‘meditative walk’ and I felt drawn to stand on different rocks, each time teetering from side to side until I found stillness. BALANCE.

At that point in time, this felt like a beautiful, powerful message that I ought to allow for more stillness in my life. I felt inspired to make space for more quiet, reflection, self-care and, through that means, strike the ever-sought after balance that my life as a new mom was lacking. (Spoiler alert: This intention didn’t last me very long.)

Today that exact same image of balance does not bring me comfort. Instead, it feels like a struggle. Try not to move too much one way or the other! Never lean too much into anything for fear of toppling over! It feels very restrictive and that, within that framework, I will inevitably fail. Striking the right balance currently feels like a battle I don’t even want to fight.

 

Cue the concept of ‘navigating’

Instead of seeking ‘balance’ these days, I find myself gravitating toward the term ‘navigating.’ This was the phrase we put into our first post about expat life as new parents and it also came up in my very session returning to online therapy postpartum, but I didn’t recognize the power of it for me personally until the last few months.

In a sense, the meaning behind these two terms is quite similar for me, but the detail is in the nuance. ‘Balance’ focuses my attention on the end result: that perfect stability. ‘Navigating’ focuses on the process, which inherently involves a dance of going this way and that.

The image that ‘navigating’ brings to mind for me is much more palatable for this phase of my life. I see a ship on the seas, being thrown from side to side by unpredictable waves, but wisely steering into or out of those waves in order to remain more or less on course.

It doesn’t involve serenity or stillness the way my image of ‘balance’ does, but it therefore feels more realistic and attainable to me as a result. This image feels like real life–basically just having to roll with the punches as they come, not necessarily being able to predict what they will be, but carrying on with confidence in the direction we seek regardless. The steadfastness comes from holding my values strong amid the changing tides, not from my progress or direction remaining steady.

 

How this new guiding term is serving me

By focusing on ‘navigating’ I feel that I’m able to celebrate my process and appreciate the importance of the steps I take one way and then the other. I no longer feel “out of balance” if I spend too long focused on one aspect of life over the other. I have more of a “bird’s eye view” now and can therefore acknowledge, accept, and see the value of my choices to lean into one thing at a time–inevitably allowing the other things to sit on the back burner for a spell.

Previously, I thought I needed to keep everything that mattered to me in the forefront, otherwise I was failing. Now, I recognize that strategically prioritizing one thing over another is essential to my success. Sure, ideally I switch up which things get prioritized so that all my values are getting their attention but I know now that this ‘switching up’ is not necessarily going to work in a perfectly balanced rotation.

Life is messy! We aren’t machines! And I realize that, by trying to maintain consistency I was setting myself up for burnout, guilt, and self-flagellation. Perfect, equal, consistent behavior is impossible. Shifting my focus away from that intention has made such a difference in my mindset and how I am able to show for myself.

The English teacher in me also can’t help but point out the importance of using a gerund (-ing) term rather than a regular noun. The gerund form (‘navigating’) is technically a noun in the way that I’m using it, but it derives from a verb–an action. Thus, I like to use this term rather than the standard noun ‘navigation’ because I am really focusing my attention on the process, the doing, rather than the outcome or state-of-being that ‘balance’ had me striving for. It’s a very small, nuanced difference that you probably didn’t even think of if you’re not a language nerd like me, but it really helps me keep things in perspective.

As with everything we share on the blog (but especially with topics in the Confessions series), I’m by no means insinuating that this is the best or only way to think about ‘balance’ and ‘navigating.’ ‘Balance’ may still feel incredibly motivating and positive to you and, if so, that’s great! I’m simply sharing my shifted perspective to remind you that it’s okay to change your mind.

If what I’ve shared here resonates with you, I would be honored if you took on the intention of ‘navigating’ as well. If it’s not the right fit for you, I still hope you enjoyed the post and are maybe inspired to look at something else in your life through a new lens.

All the best from España!

Sincerely,
Dani