Confessions: Five Years of “Friend-Dating” (Dani’s Success Story)

Dear Chantal,

Earlier this year, one of our guest writers shared with me that they found our blog because of my confessions piece on how difficult it is to make friends in Spain, even with many years of experience. I was touched to know that my words had made a difference and it got me thinking that I ought to give you an update!

That original post was for anyone feeling overwhelmed, lonely, or disheartened by the struggle. Sometimes, just knowing that other people are going through the same thing can make you feel a little less alone.

But today’s post is slightly different. This one is for anyone who could use a bit of reassurance and inspiration. Because, personally, I always find it helps to hear from someone who has been through the same thing, kept going, and eventually found their people.

 

Catching you up to date

If you haven’t read my original confessions piece on this topic, suffice it to say that I wrote it back in 2022 (one year into living in a new town in Spain). At the time, I was feeling quite vulnerable in terms of my friendships (or lack thereof). Now, nearly four years have passed since I shared that, meaning I’m about five years into my intentional “friend-dating” era.

If you’re wondering, I’m also not quite sure if “friend-dating” is a real recognized term or something I came up with on my own. But what I mean by this is seeking out people I’d like to be friends with and asking them out for a one-on-one “friend-date” to see how well we get along.

After years of going to school and being in organized programs that allowed for friendships to develop in a natural, seamless way, this intentional action to find friends felt strange. However, the older I get, the more I recognize it as essential. (If you know of some other way to make good friends that requires less time and energy investment, I am all ears! But in my experience, this is the way it has to be to build friendships that feel valuable as an adult.)

 

What’s changed since 2022

When I shared my original post, I was far enough along in the process of friend-dating to have a formulated approach that I could share about, but I knew I was still in very early days in terms of seeing the results of those efforts. As I said then, I was actively following different expat groups and looking for events and courses to attend where I could find potential friend-date candidates, but I hadn’t yet found any of the people I would consider friends long-term.

I think it’s also essential to note that, since the writing of that post, I got pregnant and entered into motherhood, marking out two distinct phases in my life in which my priorities and capacity have been incredibly different to what they were pre-baby. For me, I would say this life shift has actually had a positive effect on my relationship-building, but I know that is not the case for everyone. As such, many of the insights that I share here will be particularly useful for other new parents, but I believe the tactics would work for anyone.

 

What’s stayed the same since 2022

Honestly? Most of it! I am still in the process of friend-dating and feel like there’s actually been a huge uptick in the amount of time and energy I’m dedicating to this in recent months (now that less of my energy has to go into keeping a baby alive). I say this not to scare you, but to acknowledge that, even though I would generally say I’ve succeeded in my friend-finding mission, the process is on-going.

I’m an introvert by nature, so I still find this intentional work to be quite draining. However, in recent years, I would describe it as far more rewarding than it was at the onset. In the beginning, I felt like I was being very clear about seeking out people who had similar values and interests to me, but it was still hit-or-miss. Getting pregnant made “niching down” even easier and I will admit that since 2023 I have basically only made friends who are also moms.

This is not to say that today I only have friends who are also moms…but the vast majority of them are. Given our similar life circumstances, we just match up more often. Our schedules match up, our needs for flexibility align, and our overall understanding of what the other is going through is there too. Personally, motherhood has required me to reevaluate and reprioritize so many things and it has been beneficial to have others on the same journey alongside me. All the same, I’m grateful for the handful of non-mom friends that I made via friend-dating before having a baby, too!

 

The results of all my “friend-dating,” as of 2026

I write to you today as someone who would identify as a successful friend-dater. All those groups I joined and events I attended back in the early days led to friendships with three lovely women who I got together with regularly in the first couple years in my new town. Today, I actively maintain my friendship with only one of them, but she’s also the only one who still lives in Málaga permanently, so that feels pretty positive to me.

Since my pregnancy days of 2023, I have also cultivated a reliable network of “mom friends” who I met on an app called Peanut (or through friends I met on that app). Along with their partners, we are a group of immigrant families that has now expanded to twelve adults and nine little ones. (And if I include the friend-of-friends and the people I have met in the last few months who I am actively encouraging into our circle, the group is even bigger.)

I share the numbers not because they really matter, but because I know what it’s like to be an immigrant, without any family or lifelong friends in the country. I, too, have wondered if I would be able to give my child any sense of belonging and community in their first few years of life in Spain (before schooling can help out with this). As such, being able to look back on how many loving friends have been able to show up for us, especially at events like birthdays, has been such a comfort and I hope that our positive experience with that will give hope to other new parents as well.

You may be wondering why, with that strong sense of community already in place, I’ve continued full-steam ahead with the “friend-dating.” I’ll be honest with you, I sometimes question it too! It can even feel a little icky at times, as if I’m “cheating on” my original friends if I’m making time for newer people I’ve met instead of them. But there are a few factors at play that keep me constantly on the friend hunt.

 

“Friend-dating” in 2026

I would be remiss not to mention that at the end of 2024, we moved again! As I mentioned in this post, the most recent move was a smaller one, but the ramifications were still significant.

Suddenly, friends that once lived twenty minutes away are now forty minutes away (and, for the ones who once lived forty minutes away, it now feels like an eternity separates us). We remain in touch with everyone and I feel just as close with them as ever, but it would be dishonest not to admit that the distance plays a role in our relationships.

We don’t get to see some of those friends as much as we once did (or at least not as much as we would all like). Add to that the fact that a number of our friends have gone on to have second babies and the newborn stage, of course, adds its own challenges to schedule coordination and availability. Long story short: it can get complicated.

Besides, I’ve had to remind myself time and time again of the advice I shared repeatedly in that original post: the onus is on ME to take action. For about a year after our move, I just dreamed about having friends who lived closer to us. I was so grateful for the friendships I did have, but I longed for the same thing with someone who lived within walking distance, someone I could call up on a random afternoon and say “we’re heading to the park or beach” and then see them there ten minutes later.

In the early days of motherhood, it was fine to leave this as a pipedream because I did not have the bandwidth or capacity to seek it out. In the last year, however, I have decided to actively start pursuing it again. Now I’m in NEW Whatsapp groups (more concentrated on our new area and specifically for moms/parents) and so the pool of potential new friend-date candidates has expanded.

And I am really trying to make the most of that! Once again, it can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable to be proactive about friendship-seeking. I still always have a moment of slight pause and nerves before I hit send on a message to someone new. But, thankfully, I now have evidence that shows how those first scary moments often lead to something beautiful. It’s great motivation in the moments of panic or uncertainty.

 

My Top Tips for You

As someone who’s now got years of experience with friend-dating, I’ve certainly noticed a few patterns and picked up a few tricks that could help you expedite your own process. The first one isn’t going to surprise you:

1. You have to be proactive: Over the course of these five years, I would say that I have only made one friend through someone else reaching out to me.* That’s a really small percentage! Absolutely every other relationship has come out of me making the first move, me being the one to show interest in an in-person meet-up, and me being the one to set a plan and make that happen.

I say this not to brag, but to remind you that, if you’re serious about wanting to form new friendships, the first thing you need to evaluate is how much effort YOU are putting in. Above anything else I share here, that is the number one determinant of how successful you are going to be.

*At least outside of the Peanut app (which is almost like a dating app for mom friends). In the case of the friends I made there, I don’t remember and wouldn’t necessarily give the credit to one or the other of us in each scenario, as we were both actively seeking out the friendship to begin with, simply by being on the app.

2. “Name drop” (and look out for others “name dropping”) your location: I mentioned in my original post that one of the blessings and curses of living outside of a major city is that, even when you join “local” groups, the members can be spread out across countless different towns and very few of them will live within walking distance (if you haven’t chosen a super popular destination). At the start of my friend-dating, this felt discouraging.

However, I now use it as a guiding light. The second someone in a group mentions my town (or one of the others very close to me), my ears perk up and I try to join in on the conversation. Of course, it’s not going to be the right match simply because we live in the same(ish) place. Still, proximity is one of the factors I’m specifically seeking at this point in my friend-dating, so this helps me home in on others who might fulfill my local friendship dreams.

Likewise, I’ve found that sharing where I’m located when asking for (or giving) recommendations has also been really helpful as it gets others near me to jump into the conversation and “reveal themselves.” I can’t tell you how long I’ve silently been a member of different groups (believing that no one else is really in my area), yet, once I sent a message and mentioned my town, I found a handful of people really close by.

It’s all the more evidence that we’re all in the same boat–as soon as I “name dropped,” they popped up and shared where they were, proving they’re probably interested in finding more local friends too.

(BTW, this is how I met that one friend who initiated a friendship with me. After I sent a group message, I received a private message from her, we got chatting, and have since gotten together with our little ones for multiple playdates. Thanks to the eagerness on both sides, we have gone so far as to celebrate a holiday together, despite knowing them for far less time than many of my other friends.)

3. Go to and/or suggest activities you’re actually interested in: It sounds like a no-brainer, but how often do we agree to an event that isn’t really our style, just because it seems like a good opportunity to ‘experience the culture’ or ‘mingle’? This once worked well for me, but in my current stage of life I don’t have the time or energy to invest in activities that don’t feel fun for me. Plus, I find that when I go to events that I’m genuinely excited to go to, I meet far more people that I can really connect with than I would at a less specific-to-me activity.

Kids-free wine nights for moms? I make tons of new connections there because those are my people! We’re all in a similar life stage, but we’re also all seeking out time for ourselves in spite of our responsibilities. Also, I find it’s helpful to meet someone at a paid event because it gives you a sense of what that person is willing to put their money toward (which implies a value of theirs). Of course, I’ve also met great people who I typically only go to the park or beach with, but it’s true that it can be hard to move a run-into-them-at-the-park relationship beyond that into a lasting friendship.

4. Accept that some relationships will not move into friendship territory: This has perhaps been the hardest lesson for me to learn because I’m on such a mission to form a close community. I used to want every decent person I came into contact with to be a potential new friend. However, the reality remains: most Spaniards (or the long-time locals, wherever you find yourself), are just not as interested in building new friendships because they already have that village you are seeking. Even though I long to ‘organically’ form connections with locals at the park or the music class I take my little one to, the truth is that most of those people aren’t there to do the same thing.

At least in my experience, the other parents who frequent the local park at the same time as you are open to being friendly and exchanging greetings and little remarks as the kids play; they’re not looking to exchange numbers with you and schedule a playdate. Likewise, the other moms at the classes you go to are happy to see you and may even learn your kid’s name and ask about your week, but they’re not looking to make friendships there.

After years of talking about integrating into the community and immersing in the Spanish culture, I have to admit that my ‘failure’ to do so as a mom has felt frustrating. However, I’m thriving in this department when it comes to other expat moms so I feel more confident now that it’s not a ‘me problem,’ it’s just a reality of the circumstances. And, since I’m no longer desperate to develop Spanish-forward friendships, but rather meaningful friendships in whichever language we share, I’m no longer seeing this as a failure.

5. Don’t second-guess other’s friendship “advances”: On the flipside, now that I’ve loosened my expectations on this front, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon: I’ve been on the receiving end of locals showing interest in a friendship with me! Or perhaps it’s unrelated to my change in perspective and simply a matter of time/circumstances; I’ll never really know.

However, after six months in the music class, I just had the first experience of a conversation initiated by another parent continuing beyond the building doors. We didn’t set up a playdate or exchange numbers, but I got the distinct impression that this dad was just as hopeful as I have been to set up his child with a new friendship. Likewise, when I attended a recent school visit (because my little one will be starting infantil in September), it was a local grandma who struck up a conversation with me.

It turns out that her daughter, son-in-law, and grandson just moved back to the area after three years in Germany and she recognized something in me that made her think of her daughter when they were living abroad. In the case of the dad at music class, he also shared that he had lived abroad in three different countries and works in English. Even when it comes to Spaniards, I find that connections with anyone who has ever been an immigrant flow far more naturally for me than with others who have not. There’s simply an unspoken understanding between those of us who have shared this life experience.

I recently got together with grandma, mom, dad, and toddler and, even after just that brief encounter, I am now quietly excited about what the friendship might bring. There is something so valuable about having a community right there in your local area (in this case, specifically people who grew up in this exact town) and I know a past version of me would have second-guessed their advances. “Are they really interested in meeting up, or just being nice?” “Do they really mean that I should call them if I ever need anything, or is that just an expression?”

Today, I’m more likely to take things at face-value and act on those ‘advances’ because I know how it feels to be on the other side and I’ve found that we’re all actually more eager than we try to sound. Don’t forget that you’re not the only one seeking community and friendships; trust the interest you are shown by others.

6. Follow through and follow up: As with most things in life, you really do get out what you put in when it comes to making friends and building a community. If you seek a network that you can depend on, you need to be dependable yourself. Don’t just talk about grabbing a coffee sometime, actually get the person’s phone number and/or set a date to make it happen ASAP.

Then, after you hang out, be sure to shoot them a quick little text about enjoying yourself and looking forward to the next shared outing. I know it can feel vulnerable and I, too, have wondered if I’m coming off too strong. But I can tell you that I have now also been on the receiving side of those text messages and it warms my heart to know the other person cares and genuinely wants to put effort into forming a friendship with me.

The right people will not be scared off by you simply being gracious and friendly. If anything, it will serve as a gentle nudge for them to feel confident and follow through on planning something more in the future.

 

Finally, I will share a sentiment I saw on Instagram that really stuck with me: Brambila_bits said she was “bagging up half a loaf of sourdough for my neighbor because I’ll be damned if I complain about not having a village without being a villager.” And it’s so true. The impetus for my friend-dating mission all those years ago was simply because I wanted to feel a part of a community, but it’s very important to remember that we often need to become the community builder and continue to show up as a pillar of that community.

That’s how we end up surrounded by a network that feels worthwhile. Plus, by being the sort of friend who shows up, drops off meals when friends are in the newborn stage, checks in when you know family members are ill, etc you are more likely to attract the sort of friends who would do the same for you. And that is all that any of us are looking for, isn’t it?

It is a great privilege and honor to have the friendships I do today, but I also believe that I may never stop seeking out new friendships. It is also an honor and privilege to continue to meet new people and experience new things through those connections. Today, I am seeking to build a community not only for myself but for my family as a whole and so I believe it is only natural that my ‘friend-dating’ evolves to include different methodologies, pursuing friendships with different sorts of people, given different circumstances.

How about you? Are you also on a ‘friend-dating’ journey? Let me know in the comments below how it is going!

Sincerely,
Dani

 

Some images in this post were created with AI for illustrative purposes.